NOT TO BUSY TO EMBARASS MYSELF

Things here have been very busy, lots of homework and lots of activities to take part in. Amidst the busyness I have taken the time to look like an ass once or twice.

While studying one evening I was highlighting my textbook with green crayon, jungle green to be exact. After I finished the chapter and the assignment I went downstairs to put it in the prof's mailbox. I stopped off in the lounge to meet some people I had not yet met and hang out for a bit. I went back up to my hall and went to the washroom. When I looked in the mirror, I had a big green crayon smudge on my lip, which explains why people were looking at me funny. I guess I was resting the crayon on my lip while I was studying.

In one of my classes we do dictation practice, where the class goes up to the he board and tries to write out the word the prof says in the international phonetic alphabet. While I was up there, I was in the corner, so I thought it was a safe place to pick a wedgie. And it was, I don't think anyone saw me. But they may have been suspicious of the chalk hand mark on my butt. Eek! Oh well, what can you do. Good thing I am not here to meet a man!

Again, during the dictation activity, the teacher said a word that I had no idea how to write and so I laughed. Unfortunately, when I laughed, I must have had velar opening because a large puff of air came out of my nose forcing a blob of snot to fly out onto the chalk board. Thankfully only the one girl directly beside me saw it.

IN NORTH DAKOTA

Here I am in ND. I got here about 8pm last night, much quicker than I was expecting since I had a little bit of difficulty along the way. Here are the events of the 24hours (give or take) of my journey.

The plan was to leave about 8pm Sunday night and make it to Brandon by about 1:30ish. That would allow me to sleep in sunday and then arrive in ND with plenty of time to spare ad relax. Of course that didn't happen due to a few circumstances beyond my control. I didn't leave the city until about 9:45ish, which meant that I would only get as far as Regina. On the way there my car was not running as smoothly as it normally does. I thought perhaps it was the extra weight of all the stuff I packed. It stalled a few times along the way, when I was stopped at an intersection and went to hit the gas or when I was trying to back out of the parking stall. I did not think the extra weight would cause that. I recalled that I had the oil changed that morning but I didn't want to pull over on the highway and check it, I would wait until I got to Regina.

I had called ahead and made a reservation for a single room. When I got there it turned out to be a smoking room and a suite so it was nearly $200. No thanks. So I drove around Regina for about an hour until I found a hotel. It was a Travelodge, so a little pricey but I did not want to take any chances settling into a no name motel when it was after midnight. I did manage to still encounter some a-holes though. As I was going out the entrance to the parking lot I had to walk through a very sketchy group of drunk men who insisted that I join them if I wanted a good time that night. I did not bother to check my oil that night because it was to dark to see anything.

I got up bright and early the next morning because I had a long day of drining ahead. I checked my car to see if I could figure out what was wrong. Turns out the genius males who changed the oil overfilled it. I hope there is no permanent damage to the engine. I forgot that it was a Sunday and so the earliest shop wasn't open until 9:30, which was still pretty good for a Sunday. It was a Canadian Tire shop, and for those of you who don't know Canadian Tire Auto Repair is my archenemy. But I had no choice and it was not the same same location as my last disasterous autorepair.

They drained the extra oil and I was on my way. Much later than I wanted but at least my car was running smoothly again. The drive through MB was much nicer than I expected and I gained some time. I also had lunch with a small town yokel. I was very disappointed though when I wanted a Turkey BLT but the Subway had no tomatoes. The border crossing went relatively smoothly too, even though I did not have all the correct papers. They did not search my car which made me happy. And now on to the interstate!

In Canada, when traveling on the highways it is common to find small towns right on the highway or at the very least a Petro or Esso station. Being accustomed to this I planned on getting gas after I crossed the border, I figured it would be cheaper. Not that I can tell because I couldn't do a $/gal to $/L calculation plus a currency conversion in my head. This was not the case on the ~120km of I-29 that I drove. You have to actually exit off the highway to get to a small town, and the signs don't tell what services are available until you have actually exited. I also wasn't able to judge how much farther in miles my car could get. My car has no gas light so after the empty line I am not sure exactly how much farther I can go. I had to venture off to some small town, well actually 3 before I found a gas station. And it turns out that I probably could have made it to Grand Forks.

On the bright side, the speed limit was 75MPH, about 122Km/h. So when I drove 130 I wasn't that much over the speed limit.

BETTER THAN I THOUGHT

I put an ad in the Saskatoon newspaper on Saturday and Monday for my condo and an ad on kijiji. People kept telling me that the market had really slowed down in Saskatoon and that it was very unlikely that it would sell in two weeks. Some even said that it was unlikely that anybody would even call until about July or August when the students start coming into the city.

Well fooey on them. The day I put the ad in the newspaper I got a call from a gentleman who is interested in it. And within a a couple of hours of putting the ad on kijiji today someone was over checking the place out and seemed very interested in it. And he had even suggested the same possession date as I had been thinking. Sweet!

The deal is still not done yet, so keep praying! But I do have a good feeling about this. I believe that God wants me to go to ND and I trusted that he would make it work. I never imagined it would be working out this well.

There are a couple of things that are making things difficult. First of all I am leaving for the weekend so I won't be around. Also the fact that my parents need to do most of the dealing and they are in another province. That's all good though, God will make it work.

ON SECOND THOUGHT...

I may not be going to ND any more. Grrrr! I wish I was more decisive, or God was clearer, or that I was able to discern his will. I still really want to go to ND, I don't feel like there is anything left in Saskatoon, and it would get me away from a certain awkward situation I have been dealing with for the last year.

I thought everything was all settled, but then my parents called said they would pay me some money to sell the condo. Well that through me for a loop, even though I don't want to stay in Saskatoon, am in debt and need all the money I can get right now. There is still the problem of me not having a job. So I have been praying for discernment for a while, and I still have until June 8th before I have to leave for ND.

I was talking to my mentor about this whole situation and she asked if both could be done. Of course by worldly standards that is damn near impossible for me to get everything together and sell the condo in two weeks. But I am not a child of this world anymore! So I am praying big. Praying that in the next two weeks the condo will sell so that I can get the extra money and go to ND. That would be so flippin' sweet!

So please pray with me, it would be much appreciated :)

HERE WE GO

The last few days I have been struggling with whether I should sit, wait and trust that God is working and will provide for me, or if I should hitch up my britches and do whatever it takes to make life work.

I have decided to just submit to God, and allow Him to do his thing, leaving me out of the loop until the last minute. That is uncomfortable for me, mainly for financial reasons. I have student loans that need to be paid off.

So here is the plan as far as I know it.

June 9-August 9th I will be in Grand Forks doing a linguistic and cross-cultural worker program. It is offered through Wycliffe, and intended to teach people intending on working in another country how to learn/speak a foreign language as well as integrating into a new culture.
I think this is where God wants me to go. I prayed that I would get some sense of direction about life on May 15th, and that is the day my papers came in so I can cross the border. Then that night I prayed that God would affirm this, I prayed that by noon the next day I would get some sort of job related affirmation. Either a no from the interview that I had or something would come up from the millions of resumes I sent out, something like that. The next morning I got an email from my part time job during school, I had quite before I left for camp, but they were wondering if I could come back to work. That would take me just until the Friday before I leave for ND. Sweet!

So until I head to ND I will be working part time, and just having some fun. I have been working very hard, taking more than a full course load the last couple of years and working at least 2 jobs during the summer. So this is my time to have fun, be with friends and relax.

After that I have no idea what will happen. I have some more fun with friends time planned for the middle of August and that is about it. After that it is all wide open.

VINTAGE CHANTAL

I thought I would take a step away from all this frustration and tell a typical Chantal story.

At MarkWest last week we learned this new type of prayer called "centering prayer." If I understood correctly it is essentially trying to block out any thought or distraction and just think about God. For a scatterbrain like me it is very difficult. Sitting in a group of people completely still and silent trying to be focused on one thing does not work for me. They say to think of distracting thoughts as little boats that just float on by, well that always makes me think of Steamboat Willy,

Anyway, during one of the sessions I decided to watch my friend's kid, an adorable 4 year old boy, so that he could attend. No big deal for me, I used to work in a daycare. During the half hour I was watching him he had to go pee. Again no big deal, and at 4 years old they can pretty much do it all themselves.

We were at camp, and in the main building there was your typical Mens and Ladies rooms. I felt he was a little to old to go to the ladies room, since the showers are in there also, so that left the mens washroom. For me it would be no big deal to take him into the mens bathroom, even if there was other men in there. As the nurses saying goes, "I have seen more penises than a prostitute." Not entirely true for me, but I have worked in a hospital and nursing home doing personal care and I have taken anatomy and physiology courses and my studying of clinical biology has included detailed study of STD's. So I could walk in and be virtually unphased. However, I know that this is not normal, and while it may not bother me, it would likely bother a man in the washroom.

I knocked on the door and then sent the little guy inside to see if anyone was in there. While the little guy could probably take a whiz all by himself, as a microbiologist I was deeply concerned about hand washing. He was not tall enough to reach the soap and paper towel. There was nobody in there so I decided that I would stand in the doorway, with the door open so that I could hear him call if he needed help.

Meanwhile, several people walked by this high traffic hallway, and I felt the need to make them aware that I was not a pervert or a peeping tom, but that I was looking after a child. Well the little guy finished the job and I got several very strange looks from people, and we just went back outside to play before supper.

At supper someone came up to me and said,
"So you are not creepy?"

I just figured that he had been told by one of the people that had seen me. Then a few more people came up to me referencing to that moment. After about seven or eight people approached me I noticed a pattern. All these people had been in the prayer meeting, I then asked how word had gotten around to them so quickly. Turns out the prayer room was right next to the bathroom and my constant insisting that I was not a pervert had been the distracting thoughts that they were trying to allow float by. Ooops!

SO NOW WHAT

I'm thinking this supposed inability to confirm a final decision on my application maybe a waiting list or something. Apparently they are sending something in the mail that I need to confirm. I can't handle anymore waiting so I think I am going to treat this as a no and move on with life. Not sure where to move to though. I have applied to some real full time jobs in Calgary and Winnipeg. I am still confused about what to do about the women's shelter in Calgary.

While confirmation regarding medical school didn't come I am praying about the summer linguistics/cross-cultural program. I had asked God for any piece of direction or guidance by May 15th, I had flippantly thrown out there that getting the papers that I needed to go to the states would come in today, but it was not a real serious prayer as I was more focused on the medical school issue. Well, the papers did come, I don't like jumping to conclusions and saying that something is from God without knowing for sure, but this a pretty significant coincidence. The problem is money, as it always seems to be, but that can be dealt with I think. A little more student loan could be thrown out, not perfect, but at this point I don't know what to think anymore.

I am going to get a good nights rest tonight, which somehow always helps when trying to make sense of things. I didn't sleep much last night, I was so excited and anxious to see how God was going to direct me and what I was going to be doing come September I couldn't sleep. Hmmm... sure glad I wasted all that emotional energy.

Despite being pissed off right now, I will always believe in God, I will always praise him, and always try to trust him. He knows the larger scheme of things. One thing I am trying really hard not to do is come up with all the possible reasons why things are working out like this, that just tends to create expectations, and well I don't feel having my hopes smashed again.

YES or NO?

So today is the day that I got the email from the U of A. I have kind of been expecting to be accepted, things have been going so well up until this point. At the same time though, I was willing to accept a "no." While I would love to go to medical school, the main thing is to get a skill that would be most effective in missions/international development.

Here is what the email said, drum roll please...

"I am unable to advise you of a final decision on your medicine application at this time."

WTF? What does that mean? Have they not finished going through the process? Am I on a waiting list? Is that a nice way of saying no?

I have been praying crazy hard that today God will give me the direction that I needed to take the next step forward today. He answered with a nice heaping helping of confusion. Thanks God, but I've had my fill of uncertainty and waiting. I am quite pissed off right now. I've talked to a few people in general terms about God not answering prayers, and the typical response is, "maybe God is saying no." I agree that is sometimes the case but I did not ask God a yes or no question.

So now I can't plan anything for the future, I am stuck in the same damn uncomfortable place of waiting. I feel like God is pulling of a band-aid real slowly so it hurts real bad instead of ripping it off in one quick pull. It would have been better if it was a no because then I could be applying for real full time jobs. I think that is the angle that I am going to take, and start moving on with my life. I have to, I have bills to pay, I can't just keep sitting around.

48 HOURS

I have been praying really hard, like nearly having an aneurysm kind of hard, that I will have some sense of direction for the immediate future on Thursday. I have decided that if God does not grant me any direction then I will just make some decisions and go on. At the moment I have nothing certain in my life, the last moment of certainty ended with my doctors appointment this morning. I have nothing left planned or secured for the coming days.

Everything seems to be hinging on whether or not I go to medical school. Even the summer. If I am not going to school then I could be looking for a full time job. All my attempts at summer jobs have failed, which is quite a contrast to last summer. Last summer I only applied for a few jobs and I got 2 within a couple of weeks. I have applied to I am sure almost 30 jobs in the last month and a bit this year and have got nothing. Tomorrow will be my last day of applying to jobs in Saskatoon and if I don't get anything then I will take that to mean that I am not supposed to be here for the summer.

If not Saskatoon, then what? I am still thinking of going to the summer linguistics/cross-cultural program in North Dakota (or BC), even though the finances are not there. Another option is just going back to Grande Prairie for the summer. Getting a job there should be no problem, and no matter what I do I will likely make more money than I will in Saskatoon.

I don't really want to leave Saskatoon, I feel like I have a lot invested here and that I still have some "unfinished business." I have a lot of friends that I want to see, and Saskatoon is a pretty central location that would allow me to travel to see them. I also want to go to bartending school (maybe even flair bartending), get a pilot license and try hitch-hiking, which I think would be safer in the prairies, with all the friendly farmers around.

So within the next 48 hours, I am praying and believing that God will guide me. I will hopefully have some answers to report Thursday night.

REFLECTIONS FROM MARKWEST

I just got back from a week long Scripture study at a beautiful camp. The location was great, I didn't realize how much I missed trees. The people were great too, I didn't think studying the book of Mark could be so hilarious. Before I left for the retreat, I really had not wanted to go at all. I was tired from exams and just wanted to rest. I told God that since he was dragging me out there he better speak something big from the book of Mark.

He didn't.

He wasn't completely silent though. He did speak to me through the book of Isaiah, chapter 61;

"The Spirit of the Soverign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,"


I try to be careful about superimposing Old Testament Scriptures onto my own life because they were written for a particular people at a particular time in a particular place, but I really felt like God was saying this to me. I would bring hope and healing and freedom. It really confirmed my passion and dream for Cambodia, and every country experiencing similar circumstances. If only God would tell me when and how.

On my way home I had an interview with an organization in Calgary that works with ex prostitutes and women who have been exploited/abused. I had been leaning towards going in that direction instead of medicine the week prior so I had been expecting the interview to go really well. It wasn't bad, I got the position if I want it, but something just didn't feel right. I had prayed for some sort of affirmation or a sense of "this is where I need to be" but I didn't get that. Something about the whole thing just wasn't sitting right. I don't know if it was just because the organization was not exactly how I had pictured it or if it was God trying to tell me that it was not the right step.

On Thursday I will know if I get into medical school. I am praying that when the time comes I will know what to do. I feel stuck between two very strong desires, one for medicine and one for Cambodia. I don't know which direction to go.

There is a wonderful woman at church who I get to spend a lot of time with every Sunday. I think there is a lot of people who could learn a lot from her if they spent the time to get to know her.

Our pastor is doing a sermon series on 2 Corinthians. Today we looked at 1:3-7.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

As with most sermons there were essentially three main points:
1) Comfort doesn't come from chocolate, new shoes, alcohol etc., but God.
2) Life is not always going to be all cotton candy and rainbows, especially if you follow Christ.
3) There is a purpose in suffering, to comfort others.

The pastor talked about how we often expect life to be easy and we try to avoid any difficulties. When difficulties arise we blame God and get angry that we have to endure such things. For many, that is the only time God is acknowledged.

This woman is one of the few who I would classify as having the right to be angry with God. She is disabled, she has difficulty talking and because of this can be very cut off from people and people often just nod and smile when she talks. She is in a wheel chair, suffers from a great deal of pain and has had to have many surgeries.

As we were walking out of the sanctuary she says to me,

"Why do people get mad at God? Why do they get angry at him, he's not mean, he's the God of comfort and peace."

I didn't know what to say, I knew the answer though, because we are selfish and self-serving. We are all just a bunch of jerks.

I LOVE GETTING PICTURES TAKEN

So a couple of weeks ago I had to get grad pictures done. I didn't really want any. I am not a big fan of the forced smile and awkward poses, but my parents wanted them so I went. Here is a sample of the "best" ones.

I made some general observations about myself and my photogenicity. First of all, I didn't realize my nose was that big. Oh well. My left eye also does this squinty thing when the flash goes off, so I have to concentrate really hard to keep both eyes equally open. This reduces my ability to look natural. I also had a shine problem, witch she did not


This one took the longest and made me the most annoyed. I was told to look of into the distance and contemplate the journey that I had been on up until this point.

Lady, if you knew me, you would know that my journey is not one to contemplate, but to laugh at. I can't do this without a big smile on my face. I can't look pensive, when I am am thinking it looks more painful then intellectual/intelligent.



In this one she wanted me to smile with my lips closed. I can't do it, my teeth are to big.

This one took several takes, and this was the best of them.

I don't know exactly what this looks like, but definitely not natural, maybe constipated?





This one actually isn't a bad picture. I look alright.

It was, however, pretty funny trying to get into this pose. She was very careful about the position of my hand and had to make several adjustments because she didn't want my hand to take over the picture.

i.e. you have bear paws for hands.





My friend had a lovely description of this one...

"It looks like you are listening to someone talk and smell something stinky but are trying to smile and ignore it."






Don't worry though, there were some that were alright.

23 FOR 5 DAYS

So I have been 23 for 5 days now and if these last few days are any indication of what the next year of my life will bring I could be in trouble (my fault though).

I was making a casserole the other night. I was lazy so I made the sauce in the microwave. It exploded all over the nuke box. While I was tending the cheesy mess, the smoke detector went off. While I frantically waved a towel to appease the deafening beep the pasta was boiling over on the stove. Supper was a complete disaster so I decided to reheat some leftover macaroni. While it was warming in the microwave I put some lotion on my hands. I retrieved the bowl of macaroni, which slipped from my grip due to the hand cream, and onto the floor.

Later that evening I decided to do some laundry. I have a funny washing machine, it is a combo washer dryer, so things aren't the same as on the separate models. I began to remove what I believed to be the lint trap filter thing. It was not what I thought it was. It was some sort of water trapping device and my removing it caused a small flood in my laundry room.

I broke a nail, which would normally not be a problem because I don't like my nails long. But I was hoping to have a nice set of claws for my grad picture since your hands are involved in many of the poses. I can't stand having my nails different lengths so I might just cut them all off.

I am sure that a child will be seriously injured if not killed because of my excellent child care skills. At work the kids wanted to push me on the tire swing. As I was spinning I kicked a girl right in the chops. I also spun another boys so fast on the tire swing that I made him sick. Explain that to the dad who asks why his son is lying in the grass and can't walk in a straight line. Oops! I also pushed the tire swing so high that a boy nearly hit his head on the top bar. There is one kid, an older one, in grade 5 I think, who I no longer have the patience for. To be completely honest, had he been the one whom I had injured/endangered, I wouldn't have felt the least bit bad about it. I definitely don't think that I should be a mother anytime soon.

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that
I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

~from some song I heard

A LITTLE MORE UNREFINED HONESTY (NO SWEARING THIS TIME)

So the experiment continues. I fear that this post may not be as warmly received, this definitely has the potential to offend. I don't mean to attack any individual, but more so the general culture. I fully know that I fall under the same criticisms, and I am working on getting the log out of my own eye, but in the spirit of the new, completely honest (and temporarily PMS-ing) me, I am writing this. Feel free to attack me back if you so wish. Here we go...

I am so friggin' sick of christians.

I am sick of people who take no responsibility for their own spiritual growth, who expect to be spoon fed their religion. Guess what!?! We are not just following a religion, we are in a relationship and that takes work. You wouldn't expect to hear about your spouses life, problems, character from somebody else so why do it with God? Does anybody want to talk about God? Or even think about theological questions?

And what the heck is with nobody caring about missions work, evangelism or justice? Seriously look outside your white picket fence. Their is a crap load of work to be done! Our world is seriously messed up.

What about this ultra nice culture we live in. Being Canadian is partly responsible for this one, but come on. Do you think that being nice is God's command? Love is his command, but that is not always nice. There is no accountability, nobody who loves enough to rebuke a brother or a sister. Lets all smile and shake hands, maybe hug, and act like everything is all good. Grrrr.

The church is filled with a bunch of parasites (understand that I use the word as a symbiotic relationship term). Walk into a building expect to be "filled" or taught but do nothing for the institution or the people in there. Do you think that walking by a handicapped person and saying "hi" has fullfilled your Christian duty. Not a chance, that is pity not love. Or how about expecting your kids to receive their spiritual training at Sunday school, with no other family influences? Just leaving garbage lying around, jeepers! Pick up after yourself, I doubt that the janitor wants to pick up your coffee cups and food wrappers. You don't need to give anyone the opportunity to serve you.

And I am super sick of all these cute little catch phrases that get thrown out there. "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." Are you flippin' kidding me? Jesus did not die so that you can keep on sinning, don't treat the matter so flippantly. Sin is not just some "oopsie daisies," it is serious. And, "It's not a religion, it is a relationship." Shut up. It is a religion, relationship is the focus, but it is still a religion.

And stop treating everything like it is an attack from Satan. To be completely honest, I think Satan has bigger problems. Their are people out their who are up to their neck in following Jesus that are far more threatening to Satan. You got a cold? Well you are just infected by thousands or Corona virions that you probably received walking through air which someone just recently coughed into. Ran out of gas? When was the last time you filled up genius?

Here is a shocker: Jesus does not actually want you to be rich and healthy. That's not in the book. Don't be so surprised that you aren't making six figures, with a 5 bedroom house, 1.6 kids. I don't he wishes harm for us, but this health and wealth gospel is way off base.

I better go to bed before I have an aneurysm.

HONESTY (BRACE YOURSELF) [RATED 14A]

So I was not sure if I should post it, but I definitely had to write it. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. I am not sure how to describe how I am feeling. Pissed off, overwhelmed, disappointed, horrified, powerless, disgusted, unsatisfied, burdened, and many other things.

I have recently finished reading a couple of books about the injustice in the world and just watched Hotel Rwanda. Our world is really FUCKED. The things that happen are so unbelievably repulsive. It is hard to believe how someone can harbor so much hatred against another human being. I don't think I will ever understand how a human being can be looked at as disposable, as just a commodity, unworthy of life.

I really can't think of another word to describe where I am at other than,

FUCK! AAAAAAAAAH! GRRRRRR!

Our world boasts an astounding list of civil wars and genocides in just the last 60 years or so, many of which people don't care enough to get informed. Everyone knows about The Holocaust and many know about Rwanda, which I think is mostly due to Hollywood choosing to give it some attention. But what about Somalia, Cambodia, Burma, Sudan, Darfur? The kind of disgusting things that happen make it hard to believe in God.

And even if you can keep the faith, you wonder where the hell he is? How is it that he cared enough to die for us, but can just sit back and watch almost millions of people die under circumstances to which there is no word strong enough to describe, torturous doesn't even come close.

Again, FUCK.

Where the hell is God when
a toddler is seeing his neighbor slice his parents and older siblings with machetes?
thousands of innocent people are running from guns and bombs?
the rich west sits back watching this happen because these countries have nothing to offer?
his people, one who call him Abba, are hiding in the jungle hoping to live another day?
a 4 year girl is forced to watch pornography and being taught how to perform oral sex?
a 9 year old boy is forced to kill his bestest friend in the whole world?
men, women and children are gasping for the last bit of oxygen in the "shower rooms"?

Don't give me any token answers. They aren't good enough and I am sick of them. I went to Bible college, I am sure that I know them all. God cares about each one of them and knows them all by name. He feels there pain. I am not so convinced anymore. Evil exists because people chose to disobey God. Since when is evil more powerful than God? If God is the same God revealed in the old testament, an army of rebel soldiers should be no problem. We can't see the big picture. His thoughts are not our thoughts, his ways not our ways. I am not so sure I like his thoughts or ways right now. "Hmmm I think I will let just sit here and watch people die horrible deaths, but I will be angry and feeling badly for them." Doesn't sound like a good thought to me. And it seems that Christians are taking their cue from God, sitting back and feeling bad about what is happening, but still letting it happen.

So what is it God? Do you not care? Do you not see? Do you not have the power?

Again, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUCCCCKKKK!

I am so sick of this sweet little Christian girl role that I have been playing, so there it is. I can no longer say that I have never said the F word. I am giving myself permission to just be. To be angry, honest, heart broken, burdened, overwhelmed, whatever being entails. I am not sure if it is right or wrong. It is probably more wrong than right. I could hold it altogether if I wanted to. I didn't grow up in the church culture, but I have seen enough to have learned how to play the part. I bet Hollywood could find some of the best actors inside the walls of a church. I can't just keep accepting the world as it is and say, well God will explain everything in the end.

It doesn't seem like I got that far in the last few years of being little miss christian, repressing what I was feeling, bottling it up and convincing myself that the truth will eventually be revealed. God will explain everything in the end. The world is FUCKED up now. People are hurting now. Evil is winning now. I don't know how much longer I can do nothing. But what can I do? The church girl role isn't cutting it. Western christianity makes me want to puke. But it is all I know.

This is my new experiment. Unrefined honesty. Some may be shocked. Some may be disappointed. Some may judge. I may fail beyond recovery. I may have regrets. I may find what I am looking for.

It may seem that the F bomb flowed easily out of my mind to my fingers and then the keyboard, but I do feel the loss of innocence. I feel uncomfortable. I feel bad. But I think I am more hurt by the fact that I lost my perfect F-free record rather than a feeling the genuine regret of "sin" (if that makes any sense).



Yet I will praise Him at all times.

TENTATIVE SUMMER PLANS

So today I discovered the deadlines for the various opportunities open for me this summer are sooner than expected. For the Mark study I need to know by Friday, yikes! I wasn't planning on making any decisions until at least mid April. Oh well, I guess the pressure is good, I will actually make a decision.

So the tentative plan is to go to the week long study of Mark, May 1-7. I am really excited because a women who has been a mentor to me here and there when I needed someone has offered to pay for the cost of the study, I just have to pay for travel. That cost won't be too bad, because the study is just in Rocky Mountain House. I will probably swing through Calgary, Lethbridge and Med Hat before coming back to Saskatoon for about a month. That will give me some time to visit friends and family in around here. Then I will head to Trinity Western to do the Linguistics and Culture summer program from June 15 - August 15. Then I will be back in Saskatoon and will be packing up my life and heading to either Calgary or Edmonton.

So if you are into praying I would muchly appreciate you throwing a word up on my behalf.

~This is going to put me in a tight spot financially. Not only does the summer course cost about $4000 for tuition, books, room and board, but I will not be working much over the summer. I need the largest bursary possible from TWU ($1500), a job from about May 15-June 14, and a seat sale on plane tickets. There is already a sale from Sask to Abbottsford, but I need one on the way back.

~I need energy, I am not sure how I will do filling my break from school with more school.

~Mostly peace about the decision. I don't have peace, but I am experiencing less anxiety about this decision compared to other options. I'm not sure I will be at peace until things actually happen because I am scared that everything will collapse like it did last summer.

PRAYER

So it is about 11:30pm and I am sitting here wishing I was smart enough to go to bed early, especially since I was up until 3am writing a paper. But I am not, what can you do?

I only have 1.5 papers left to write and 1 lab report, the end is in sight. I am almost giddy at the thought of being done school (until I remember that I might be back at it in September). Now that the semester is coming to an end and summer is fast approaching I am feeling the pressure of having to decide what I am doing this summer.

On the job front I am in an unusual position of no longer being a summer student since I am graduating, but I am also not looking for a full-time permanent job because at the very most I will only be here until the end of august. There are not too many jobs in a university city for people like me. I thought about registering for school for next semester to keep my "summer student" status, but that would be dishonest. I also thought about applying for a job and just lying when they ask me how long I am staying. Again, dishonest. So I am expecting God to do big things since I an trying to do the right thing. Are you reading this God? :)

I have about a month to try to figure out my summer. I am looking at a few different options, but it is difficult since I don't find out about med school until May 15th, although I am not sure if that really matters. This week I am leaning more towards the no department. I would really appreciate your prayers, and possibly advice, if you make it good. Here are some things that I am looking at for the summer.

~ Taking a break, going to Vernon with my family for a week. I could really use a break, I can't believe I made it out of this semester alive.

~ MarkWest in Lethbridge beginning of May, a 1 week intensive Scripture study of... you guessed it, the book of Mark

~ Just sitting around here working. Possibly at the day care, but that pays barely over minimum wage, which is not helpful for someone with a big student loan.

~ A two month Linguistics study run by Wycliffe Bible translators, at Trinity Western in Langley. This isn't for any particular language, but it is general overview of language and will help me to learn another language with less of a foreigner's accent. ie) I won't sound like such an idiot when I speak Khmer, and will be accepted more readily into the culture and community.

~ If I don't do medicine, I will get to Calgary ASAP to start that chapter of my life with Servants Anonymous.

~ Perhaps some other opportunity that I am yet to discover.

WHY?

I am not in med school yet, but I wouldn't be surprised the way things are going if I got in. I don't mean that to be arrogant in any way at all. My marks weren't that great and I made a mistake on my application, so it is all God that I have gotten this far. I might not get in either, but either way God did this and I am trying to figure out why. Here are some of the reasons I have come up with or friends have suggested:

God is testing whether I have really given up my own selfish dreams to follow Him into the great unknown.

God is going to give me my dream then ask me to give it up.

Maybe this has been a test, maybe medicine was my Isaac, and God saw that I could give it up and now he is giving it back.

It doesn't really matter to God what I do.

God is choosing to bless me for some unknown reason by allowing me to live my dream.

I have misunderstood him the last few months and I was never really going to Cambodia.

An answer to prayer. I prayed many times over the last few years, that God would give me the strength not to cheat or take the easy way out just to get into medicine, and that, if he was pleased with how my morals stood up that he would grant me the desires of my heart.

If you have any wisdom that you could lend me that would be great, seeing as how my wisdom well is dry.

After all that, I close with the word from an Aaron Shust song,

"I am not skilled to understand what God has willed what God has planned."

WHAT DO YOU DO ABOUT CULTURE?

As someone who intends on entering into cross-cultural, I think a lot about the potential problems and conflicts that might arise. I see things a certain way, and sometimes I don't even realize I am seeing them that way. It is so ingrained in my mind I just don't give it a second thought. I even more hidden from my consciousness is why I think or do things like I do. This inlcudes my ideas on education, leadership and government, health care, church culture, etc.

The questions one has to ask when in a different culture is, are the things they are doing actually wrong or just different? Why are they wrong and why are they doing them? How can I allow them to keep as much of there culture? How can I make Jesus applicable to that culture? I have been taking a class which has really been helping me to understand how to cross cultural barriers and I stole the examples from last nights speaker.

We just kind of take for granted that when we are sitting around the campfire that it will burn until the wood is eaten up. To us there is no other logical way to see the situation. But to a tribe in Africa it is the other way around, the wood eats the fire.

To a people where treachery and deceit is highly valued, where the best thing you can do is to trick a man into thinking your friends then betray him, Jesus looks like the biggest tool and Judas is the hero. That is completely opposite to what we want to communicate.

Or think of how we as North Americans do church. We have a lead pastor, and then elders who do the majority of the decision making for the body. To others in cultures where community is highly valued, to allow one man to hold the power is absurd. When decisions are made the whole tribe gets together to discuss it.

Anyway, to get to the point of this post. I read an article this morning that made me think, "Where do you draw the line?" Does maintaining culture take precedence even when practices are extremely harmful or potentially life threatening? What if the "victim" of a practice is a child who is not able to make the decision for themselves.

I am refering to FGM, female genital mutalation. Click here to read the article. Several human rights and health organizations have working to end the practice in Africa. It might be shocking to some, it was to me, that women would fight to maintain this oppressive practice. To me there is so many things wrong with this, it's incredibly dangerous from a health perspective since the tools are unsanitary, you are making a girl vulnerable to infections for the rest of her life because everytime she has sex she will be torn again, when she has a baby it will be absolutely horrendous. The purpose as far as I understand is for the pleasure of man and to ensure that a women will stay faithful to their husbands. The girls who are forced to undergo this "operation" are very young, about 8, but could be younger. They have no say. They do not get anesthetic or pain killers.

So what do you do when something seems so wrong but the ones who suffer from it want to keep suffering?