THE CONS

To continue on my last post, here are some of the things about med school that are unappealing to me:

-Four more years of school. Blah! I have not been enjoying school this year and thought of being stuck in school for another four does not make me happy. I don't know if I can keep working this hard. I am sick of cooking in the microwave, and tired staying up until 2 or 3 in the morning finishing school work. School just feels like it is getting in the way of life right now.

- The cost. Tuition alone for the first year is $11,000, plus about a few thousand more for books and supplies, and then the cost of living. I heard from a friend in med school that the average student loan after med school is $150,000. That is a ridiculous amount of money.

-The inequality. It think it is so sad and incredibly frustrating that medical school is only for the rich. I'm not just talking about school itself, but the cost to apply is pretty high. I'm sure there are many smart, compassionate people out their who can't afford to even apply. The entrance exam cost $250, I was lucky enough to pass the first time (most don't, some take it 5 or 6 times). The actual application plus the cost of sending transcripts was about $200. Now that I have an interview in Edmonton, I have the cost of getting there, staying in a hotel, food etc, about $500 I'm guessing. On top of that, my laid back wardrobe is not really suitable so I have to buy a new outfit, probably another $200.

- The demand. I am not sure if I am med school material. What if I am not smart enough or good at it? I don't want to ruin peoples lives. If I want something I get it, I work hard for it, but I can do it. The problem is, I don't want this like I need to to stay motivated for the long haul. Plus, you know that I am the awkward, embarassing, unfortunate person.

-I am not sure, well actually I am sure that I don't fit the profile, I don't dress all fancy and professional. I am a very basic, plain jane, simply kind of person. I almost cried trying on suits today. It's not me. I looked so grown up, like a banker or an accountant. It just didn't feel right.

- The attitude. I am scared that it might change me, and not for the better. There is a lot of pride and arrogance. I don't want to start thinking that I am better than anyone else, because I am not, that's for damn sure. This whole thing has been because of God. I don't want to get lost in the academics and forget about people. I don't want to turn all snobby and forget what it means to live simply, not that I am any good at it right now.

- The time. I was hoping to be in Cambodia or something within 3-4 years maximum. Now I am looking at an absolute minimum of 6years plus however long it takes me to pay back my student loan.

-Overqualified. I love how God uses nobodies and does big things. This may not be true, but the more skilled I am, the less big the things that God will do. Well, that's not quite the right wording I want. But you know what I mean, when you are useless, God gets all the credit, and there is no way that people can say that it is because you what I knew or can do. But being highly educated with professional skills provides an alternative to God as the miracle worker.

THAT WAS UNEXPECTED

A couple of weeks I was trying figure out how all this new information God was giving me was going to turn into action. I was looking into different possibilities of schools and training programs, counseling, nursing, agriculture, economics, international studies, something that would be of some use in the type of missions work (I thought) God was leading me into. Microbiology, at least my degree, hasn't really equipped me, unless there is a need for DNA transformation and recombination using plasmid vectors.

I was online checking out sites and doing some emailing, and I decided that for some reason I should check my University of Alberta account. I set this thing up only because I had to when I applied to medicine, that is the only way they will correspond with you. I almost never check it, between yahoo, facebook and my U of S account, it just never crosses my mind.

Well when I opened my email I was surprised to find an email from the Faculty of Medicine saying that I had an interview, and that I needed to send my reply with a very specific size photograph right away. If I had checked just a day or two later I probably would have missed it.
I guess this was good news, but kind of at a bad time. I was really frustrated with school, and still am. I am not sure if I want to do 4 more years of it, it's already been 5. I don't know if medicine is still my dream. It used to be, I remember when I got my first white lab coat, and thinking how cool it would be to wear the real doctor version. I used to dream about the day when I would get the letter in the mail and open it and read, "You have been accepted into the Faculty of Medicine." Those things are still good, but I just don't have the same passion for it that I used to.

I guess you can say that I have given my heart to another, to the girls trapped in a life of the worst kind of slavery I can imagine. I thought that was where God was leading me, now this interview doesn't make sense. It doesn't fit with everything that God has been leading me through. But there is now way that I would have gotten an interview without God being intentional about it. There had been a couple of problems with my application which, as they state on the form, will result in rejection of the application with no contact to the applicant.

What are you doing God? I thought we were going to Cambodia. But then you did this. Now what? I so desperately want to save those girls, but the vision You has given me requires not just an everyday leap of faith, but an Evil Knievel motorcycle jump over a canyon type of leap. I have wanted to be a doctor for so long, and the culture "around pre-med" makes the idea of turning it down beyond absurd, but I don't know if I am willing/capable of going through four more years like this.

I have not been accepted yet, I just have an interview. So I guess I don't need to make a decision yet. I am okay with whatever, but I want to be sure before I jump into anything, whether it be Cambodia or med school.

BACKTRACK

A lot has happened for me the last few weeks, I have just been to busy to write it all. I think I left off last with my recent lack of hatred for the pimps who manage sex slaves. The Lord has been leading me through this process of understanding what the problem is and what needs to be done. To really solve the problem you need to look at a model of total community healing and restoration.

The girls need to be taught that love does not mean having sex with a 50 year old white man to earn her pimp $30 bucks. They need to be protected from harm, taught that they have value, given a chance to go to school, loved for who they are not for what they can offer some pervert. How far back can you remember? What is your earliest childhood memory? I think for most people it would be from around age 4 or 5. Can you imagine your first memory being of a dirty dingy room with a small TV, you sitting there watching pornography or taking lessons on how to perform oral sex. Or maybe your first memory isn't even that innocent. Maybe you can't remember a time that your weren't just a sex toy. How destructive that must be for a girl.

What about the boys whose parents, or maybe the police, or some other community authority have grown them up to be pimps. They do not know what it is to be innocent. Their first few years they are surrounded by a culture where it means nothing to sell a fellow human being to be tortured or raped. The laughter of the little girls they once heard while playing tag or kick ball turns to screams of terror and agony coming form hidden rooms and dark corners in their village.

They might start wandering the town at the age of 8 or 9, looking for potential customers. They bring them to the brothel where they pass them along to the brothel manager, and take a small cut of the money. In a few short years, when they reach age 12 or 13, they may manage their own brothels, setting up meetings in trashy bars or in secluded alleys, and selling the girls whom they grew up with like one does an old book at a garage sale.

The problem is big. The whole culture needs to change. The value of human life needs to be restored. It will take years for the necessary changes to take place, possible even generations. I don't know how to make those changes happen. Even if I could change the sociology, the attitudes and behaviours of those involved in exploitation, in some ways I have done the opposite of solving the problem.

By ending the sex slave trade I would have created and even bigger problem, poverty. Poverty is a vacuum for injustice. It is a major contributer to virtually all the worlds problems. Putting an end to brothels and prostitution also puts an end to that communities livelihood, their source of income and survival. They need an alternative source of money and security.

I don't want to be the type of Christian who walks into a place with my head held high condemning people, telling them that they are all going hell, taking away their culture, forcing them to assimilate to Western Christianity and then walking away without actually helping them in any tangible way.

This was all very discouraging for me. It is impossible for a 22 year old girl with a Microbiology degree to change things. I don't have any experience in counseling, I can't teach them any skills like weaving, sewing, agriculture or carpentry. The situation seems so hopeless.

Perfect!!!

If I can't do it, that means God has to. If this is God's vision and purpose for me then I will get to see him do crazy things! The Scriptures are full of useless, pathetic people being used by God to do big things for Him. David the little wussy shepherd, the nobody fishermen called to be fishers of men, Joseph the youngest who saved Egypt and his family.

I would like to take the time now to say a big "Up yours!" to everyone who says it can't be done. You are the reason it hasn't been done yet.

Hmmm...

Something recently came up for which I need to buy an entirely new outfit. I really hate shopping for many reasons, it's boring, expensive, salespeople drive me crazy, it's the antithesis of living simply, etc. I would be much happier if I did not have to buy an outfit, but I do need to be taken seriously, and I don't think my Finding Nemo t-shirt or my knee high socks will quite do the trick.

What troubles me even more about shopping is the fact that virtually everything is sewn with the blood, sweat and tears of abused children and women. Shopping pretty much ensures the slave trade will continue.

I decided that I would be willing to spend the big bucks to find something made by someone who was paid a fair wage and was not beaten. The problem is finding said goods. Other than Ten Thousand Villages, which does not sell clothing, I really don't know what to do. I've been doing some research, which has been informative, but also very discouraging.

It is pretty commonly believed that buying something made in the USA/Canada is safe, but that is not the case. There are sweat shops in the US, especially in US commonwealth states like Saipan and the Mariana islands. It seems like there is no such thing as clothes not made by slaves, unless you plant and pick your own cotton, make it into thread, weave fabric and sew it yourself. The majority of which I cannot do. If you have any suggestions, I would love to hear them.

I encourage you to check out the following articles, hopefully they open your eyes like they did mine.
-Slaves used to make clothes for Sears and JC Penny
-Revealed: Topshop clothes made with slave labour
-Paradise Lost (for an abbreviated article click here)

A SHIFT IN PERSPECTIVE

When I started on this journey a few months ago, I wanted to rush in, uh, "Rambo style", I think I called it, and save the girls from the brothel. I also wanted the pimps and pervs burned at the stake.

From their I realized that I didn't just want to get the girls out I wanted to bring healing and real love to them. And I still wanted the perpetrators burned.

Then God said love them, the bad ones. I said, "HECK NO LORD." I'm sure he was thinking, "Now we'll just see about that. You have no idea what is coming your way."

I came to accept the fact that I was to love "them," solely for the fact that the source of the evil is what I really need to fight. Not to absolve these men of their crimes, but I realized the issue is much deeper.

I discovered through further study into the issue that many of the pimps are themselves children. Boys, only 14 years old, sometimes younger. Taught by there mothers and fathers to sell the souls of little girls for about the cost of a DVD.

These boys have lost their childhood too, or rather, they never had a childhood to lose. They should be out playing soccer and shooting things with sling shots, not waiting for men who are looking to buy the perverted services they oversee.

I want to bring healing to these children too. Let them enjoy the laughter that comes from innocent joy.

I still want the pervs to burn. So far God hasn't called me on that one. So I am going to stick with it until further notice.