P. aeruginosa, burn, ethidium bromide, waiter and other awkward/stupid moments

As you know, over the last month I have not been writing about my usual topics, that is, awkward, embarassing or stupid moments. That does not mean they have not happened. I am still Chantal, and thus plagued with awkwardness and "blondness". So for those of you who asked for stories or are concerned that I am not myself, here is some point form from the last week and a bit.

The following all happened in one day.
- cut myself while making lunch
- in microbiology lab I knocked the lid off a plate of P. aeruginosa and stuck my hand right into the little buggers. This was alarming as this bacteria was a specimen from a gross dirty armpit lesion. I received the necessary first aid, but was not convinced it was sufficient so I washed my hand in a bleach solution (not recommended).
- making dinner. pulled pan out of oven and placed on stove. reach into cupboard above stove. burn belly. uncomfortable for days afterward as it was right where my pant line was. placed bandaid on burn. get allergic reaction to adhesive. awesome.

other moments...
- in class writing notes, girl beside me knocks my mug onto my lap, to tired to respond quickly, watch area of pants get wet, look like i peed myself, walk outside in -35C, freeze
-in micro lab, forget to put my gloves back on, reach into electrophoresis machine to retrieve agarose blot, pick up gel, remember gel contains ethidium bromide (a known mutagen), pray I don't get cancer
- out for dinner meeting at nice restaurant, debating whether it is better for kids to know anatomical terms or words like weewee, or peepee. waiter walks towards us as I say "penis", waiter keeps walking (with strange look on his face)

Aaaaaaaah!

Did you here that?

That would be the sound of me screaming into my pillow because I am so flippin' frustrated. Grrrr! I have pretty much run out of words and resort to simply screaming at God. Part of me feels really stupid because I am close to people who have pretty much been through hell on earth, and are just so happy, go-lucky. Here I am with a little emotional distress and I am freaking out. It's not like people are trying to kill me like they were David when he wrote the some of the Psalms.

One of the hardest things right now is that I don't feel like praying anymore. I feel like I have said all there is to say. I don't know what else to say, and I am sick of not getting an answer. Please don't give me any of the cliché answers. I already know them and they aren't really helping at the moment.

Do think if I went on hunger strike against God that would work?

Or maybe I will just hope on a plain to Thailand and do missions work without him. Yup that would be good, wouldn't? At least I would be doing something.

I would like to say that I am prepared to do whatever it is God wants me to, but that isn't really the case since I hate the fact that I am stuck here doing essentially nothing. I would do anything God asked me too except for the nothing that I am doing right now.

I don't want to come out of this like the Pharisees did the 400 silent years. Missing the boat and not getting the point when He was standing right in front of them. I don't want to go stale and have my faith become nothing more than a set of rules that I follow. Be nice to people, don't swear, don't chase after money, yadda yadda yadda. That's kind of what it is feeling like right now.

I wonder though...
Do I have to wait for God to tell me to go do something? I mean, He's already said once, in fact he's said it a lot. Look after widows, and orphans, feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, all sorts of stuff throughout the Old and New Testament. Do I really need to sit here and wait for Him to say something specifically to me? Can I just hop on a plane and trust that He will be with me?

But there is more that I am missing. I don't just want a God who tells me what to do. I want to know my Creator. I feel so weird now, estranged from the one who knit me in my mothers womb.

Enough frustrated ramblings for one night... zzzzz

Now what?

I have been so blessed to have people praying for me. The last little while I have found myself so tired that I almost always fall asleep when I stop to pray no matter what time of day. I really believe that the prayers of my friends and family have sustained me and supported me, especially as I struggle to figure out what is going on. Thank you so much for praying for me!!!

As for this mission of mine, well, I am falling flat. I'm running out of ideas, and sadly, desire. My heart is no less broken for the girls who will be sold tonight, but discouragement seems to be taking the place of determination. What is the cut off point? How many doors have to slam in your face before you give up? This is almost getting ridiculous.

I feel like God has shut, locked, chained and double bolted the door and is on the other side playing really loud music and ignoring the knocking. I do realize this is extreme, it is probably more likey that He is standing at another, open door waiting for me to find Him. But I am without a compass or a sense of direction.

I have emailed and phoned just about every group and organization that I have found. Some haven't replied, most only accept professional volunteers (doctors, lawyers, accountants, etc). I have been blessed with a few friends who have given me "leads", local and international organizations, missionaries who are working in the field. Every time I am excited, thinking this might be it, but end up disappointed and back at the beginning. An international organization, which had a training program on rehabilitation, had its application deadline a week before I found it. One local organization has put a hold on its efforts for lack of funding, staff and general interest. I was given the email address of a missionary working overseas, but she just went on maternity leave.

Now what? Did I miss my chance back, during one of my previous episodes like this? I am fighting to hang on to this passion, but am losing my grip. What if I got things all wrong, maybe I am supposed to be doing something completely different. God must have something specific for me after I graduate in May if He is working so hard to close doors. But what? I realize that God is not bound by time, but does he not realize that I am? And that earth things have deadlines?

???

So I haven't blogged much the last week. That is because I haven't gotten anywhere. I am still a sitting duck. I went through this in August, was in contact with a few organizations and applied to volunteer then for, whatever reason, communication stopped, no one replied to my emails. I kind of gave up, assuming that God was saying no. I prayed about it, and as with everything else the last few months, have gotten no answers. Not a "yes", "no", "wait", nothing. I didn't want to keep pushing it if it was a no.

But there has to be more. I believe that our passions and deep desires of our hearts are from God. If it was no, then why is God weighing me down with this. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it is not from God. If it was, then wouldn't he provide an outlet, some way that I could act on this desire.

Maybe I should stop wasting my time, and God's, if this is not what he wants for me. But I don't want to give up. I don't want to forget about it, I can't. But how many times have a I tried and gotten no where?

What about persistence? How do we know when to keep pushing and when to step away. I don't want to give up, so I won't, at least not yet. I have applied to volunteer overseas, and am looking into an organization within Saskatoon that deals with sexual exploitation of children. But I don't want to annoy God into giving me what I want.

Excuse me, I need to go scream into my pillow.

Lighten up

Either the events of the last 24 hours were completely coincidental or God decided that I was taking life to seriously and needed some laughs because it has been an awkward/funny day. I guess I can't stay serious for extended periods of time.

I am going to my aunts house for the long weekend, so I thought I would bring a bottle of wine as a "thank you for letting me stay here and eat your food" gift. I am absolutely clueless when it comes to anything alcoholic so I asked my mom earlier in the week what I should get. The only thing that I could remember at the store was something about Australian and cat pee. I wondered around the store looking like a lost duck. One of the employees, seeing me looking at the merchandise as if it was completely foreign to me, came over to help.
"Do you have any cat pee?" I asked.
He looked at me kind of funny and I apologized for my ignorance. After a few seconds he showed me some wine called "cat pee on a gooseberry bush". Gooseberry bush didn't ring a bell, I thought the cat peed on something else and this was from New Zealand, but I really had no idea what to get. Hopefully it's good.

Today I accidentally hugged my instructor. It was weird, but she was female, so it definitely could have been worse. For me hugging is the reaction I have to seeing someone I haven't seen for a while, even if I am not close to them. Well I was walking through the CUPE (university support staff) strike rally, like swimming up stream, and I saw her and she said something and I just went in for the hug. She didn't know quite what to do I don't think. I really don't know her well at all, she is the lab instructor so I see her maybe once a week (pre-strike)...
So I just took a spill because my chair broke, good thing I am a home
Anyway, so yeah, I hugged my instructor and didn't realize the weirdness of the situation until a few minutes after. Oops!

Then as I was walking across the bridge to the hospital I was the victim of a drive by sandwiching. Yes, someone threw a half eaten sandwich at me for no reason. I was just walking, minding my own business when I took a hit from behind and a flimsy cheese sandwich dropped to the ground. What the heck? Who does that?

Then on the nearly empty bus ride home I had the pleasure of having a 70 or 80 year old man sit next to me. He could have sat in any empty seat, but he chose to sit next to me and talk to me the whole way home. I don't mind conversation with strangers, I often talk to strangers on the bus, but this wasn't really conversation so much as it was him making crazy statements and me smiling and nodding. He talked about herds of geese, going to Jim Hortons for coffee, something about Diefenbaker and Trudeau and farm irrigation, terrorism, and a bunch of really terrible jokes that made me laugh, not because they were funny but because the whole time I was thinking "why me?". It got a little out of hand though when he put his hand on my shoulder and asked,
"What are you thinking right now?"
I didn't know what to say, what I was thinking was "Get me the hell off this bus, I am so uncomfortable." Luckily I was close enough to where I lived to get off and walk a bit.