Did you here that?
That would be the sound of me screaming into my pillow because I am so flippin' frustrated. Grrrr! I have pretty much run out of words and resort to simply screaming at God. Part of me feels really stupid because I am close to people who have pretty much been through hell on earth, and are just so happy, go-lucky. Here I am with a little emotional distress and I am freaking out. It's not like people are trying to kill me like they were David when he wrote the some of the Psalms.
One of the hardest things right now is that I don't feel like praying anymore. I feel like I have said all there is to say. I don't know what else to say, and I am sick of not getting an answer. Please don't give me any of the cliché answers. I already know them and they aren't really helping at the moment.
Do think if I went on hunger strike against God that would work?
Or maybe I will just hope on a plain to Thailand and do missions work without him. Yup that would be good, wouldn't? At least I would be doing something.
I would like to say that I am prepared to do whatever it is God wants me to, but that isn't really the case since I hate the fact that I am stuck here doing essentially nothing. I would do anything God asked me too except for the nothing that I am doing right now.
I don't want to come out of this like the Pharisees did the 400 silent years. Missing the boat and not getting the point when He was standing right in front of them. I don't want to go stale and have my faith become nothing more than a set of rules that I follow. Be nice to people, don't swear, don't chase after money, yadda yadda yadda. That's kind of what it is feeling like right now.
I wonder though...
Do I have to wait for God to tell me to go do something? I mean, He's already said once, in fact he's said it a lot. Look after widows, and orphans, feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, all sorts of stuff throughout the Old and New Testament. Do I really need to sit here and wait for Him to say something specifically to me? Can I just hop on a plane and trust that He will be with me?
But there is more that I am missing. I don't just want a God who tells me what to do. I want to know my Creator. I feel so weird now, estranged from the one who knit me in my mothers womb.
Enough frustrated ramblings for one night... zzzzz
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Aaaaaaaah!
at 9:10 PM
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2 comments:
You do sound frustrated!!! However, I don't agree that you are doing nothing. Maybe the plan is for you to finish your education and be used in the health care field, which you know is really lacking in caring, Christian people. By caring as much as you do you are already making a difference in the lives of these poor children.
Aunt Sharon
you might not like this, but maybe you're on to something with the whole "do i really need to wait for something to be said" question. maybe God has answered and is letting you have the room to take the next step.
perhaps you should look at some of your options and see what you can do, plane tickets, work, whatever would be a logical next step. either God will shut the door completely and hinder you getting to your destination, or He'll simply let you go through a hard experience and teach you through it. like i said, you might not like it, but...
what would happen if you bought the plane ticket? what would happen if you went ahead and made plans (not just showing up on some organizations doorstep in Calcutta mind you, but making plans and informing people of arrivals and such) and went to where your heart and passions are? what would be holding you back?
your aunt is right, you do sound frustrated. but she's also right in saying you're not doing nothing. believe it or not, the answers are all there, sometimes they're a little difficult to see (cliche i know, and not easier to deal with, but we are dealing with an omnipotent all-knowing creator who has our best intentions at heart).
just some ramblings...
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