23 FOR 5 DAYS

So I have been 23 for 5 days now and if these last few days are any indication of what the next year of my life will bring I could be in trouble (my fault though).

I was making a casserole the other night. I was lazy so I made the sauce in the microwave. It exploded all over the nuke box. While I was tending the cheesy mess, the smoke detector went off. While I frantically waved a towel to appease the deafening beep the pasta was boiling over on the stove. Supper was a complete disaster so I decided to reheat some leftover macaroni. While it was warming in the microwave I put some lotion on my hands. I retrieved the bowl of macaroni, which slipped from my grip due to the hand cream, and onto the floor.

Later that evening I decided to do some laundry. I have a funny washing machine, it is a combo washer dryer, so things aren't the same as on the separate models. I began to remove what I believed to be the lint trap filter thing. It was not what I thought it was. It was some sort of water trapping device and my removing it caused a small flood in my laundry room.

I broke a nail, which would normally not be a problem because I don't like my nails long. But I was hoping to have a nice set of claws for my grad picture since your hands are involved in many of the poses. I can't stand having my nails different lengths so I might just cut them all off.

I am sure that a child will be seriously injured if not killed because of my excellent child care skills. At work the kids wanted to push me on the tire swing. As I was spinning I kicked a girl right in the chops. I also spun another boys so fast on the tire swing that I made him sick. Explain that to the dad who asks why his son is lying in the grass and can't walk in a straight line. Oops! I also pushed the tire swing so high that a boy nearly hit his head on the top bar. There is one kid, an older one, in grade 5 I think, who I no longer have the patience for. To be completely honest, had he been the one whom I had injured/endangered, I wouldn't have felt the least bit bad about it. I definitely don't think that I should be a mother anytime soon.

Time to face up, clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out that
I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to release all my held back tears

Whatever You're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos, but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life, something heavenly

~from some song I heard

A LITTLE MORE UNREFINED HONESTY (NO SWEARING THIS TIME)

So the experiment continues. I fear that this post may not be as warmly received, this definitely has the potential to offend. I don't mean to attack any individual, but more so the general culture. I fully know that I fall under the same criticisms, and I am working on getting the log out of my own eye, but in the spirit of the new, completely honest (and temporarily PMS-ing) me, I am writing this. Feel free to attack me back if you so wish. Here we go...

I am so friggin' sick of christians.

I am sick of people who take no responsibility for their own spiritual growth, who expect to be spoon fed their religion. Guess what!?! We are not just following a religion, we are in a relationship and that takes work. You wouldn't expect to hear about your spouses life, problems, character from somebody else so why do it with God? Does anybody want to talk about God? Or even think about theological questions?

And what the heck is with nobody caring about missions work, evangelism or justice? Seriously look outside your white picket fence. Their is a crap load of work to be done! Our world is seriously messed up.

What about this ultra nice culture we live in. Being Canadian is partly responsible for this one, but come on. Do you think that being nice is God's command? Love is his command, but that is not always nice. There is no accountability, nobody who loves enough to rebuke a brother or a sister. Lets all smile and shake hands, maybe hug, and act like everything is all good. Grrrr.

The church is filled with a bunch of parasites (understand that I use the word as a symbiotic relationship term). Walk into a building expect to be "filled" or taught but do nothing for the institution or the people in there. Do you think that walking by a handicapped person and saying "hi" has fullfilled your Christian duty. Not a chance, that is pity not love. Or how about expecting your kids to receive their spiritual training at Sunday school, with no other family influences? Just leaving garbage lying around, jeepers! Pick up after yourself, I doubt that the janitor wants to pick up your coffee cups and food wrappers. You don't need to give anyone the opportunity to serve you.

And I am super sick of all these cute little catch phrases that get thrown out there. "Christians aren't perfect, just forgiven." Are you flippin' kidding me? Jesus did not die so that you can keep on sinning, don't treat the matter so flippantly. Sin is not just some "oopsie daisies," it is serious. And, "It's not a religion, it is a relationship." Shut up. It is a religion, relationship is the focus, but it is still a religion.

And stop treating everything like it is an attack from Satan. To be completely honest, I think Satan has bigger problems. Their are people out their who are up to their neck in following Jesus that are far more threatening to Satan. You got a cold? Well you are just infected by thousands or Corona virions that you probably received walking through air which someone just recently coughed into. Ran out of gas? When was the last time you filled up genius?

Here is a shocker: Jesus does not actually want you to be rich and healthy. That's not in the book. Don't be so surprised that you aren't making six figures, with a 5 bedroom house, 1.6 kids. I don't he wishes harm for us, but this health and wealth gospel is way off base.

I better go to bed before I have an aneurysm.

HONESTY (BRACE YOURSELF) [RATED 14A]

So I was not sure if I should post it, but I definitely had to write it. I am sitting here bawling my eyes out. I am not sure how to describe how I am feeling. Pissed off, overwhelmed, disappointed, horrified, powerless, disgusted, unsatisfied, burdened, and many other things.

I have recently finished reading a couple of books about the injustice in the world and just watched Hotel Rwanda. Our world is really FUCKED. The things that happen are so unbelievably repulsive. It is hard to believe how someone can harbor so much hatred against another human being. I don't think I will ever understand how a human being can be looked at as disposable, as just a commodity, unworthy of life.

I really can't think of another word to describe where I am at other than,

FUCK! AAAAAAAAAH! GRRRRRR!

Our world boasts an astounding list of civil wars and genocides in just the last 60 years or so, many of which people don't care enough to get informed. Everyone knows about The Holocaust and many know about Rwanda, which I think is mostly due to Hollywood choosing to give it some attention. But what about Somalia, Cambodia, Burma, Sudan, Darfur? The kind of disgusting things that happen make it hard to believe in God.

And even if you can keep the faith, you wonder where the hell he is? How is it that he cared enough to die for us, but can just sit back and watch almost millions of people die under circumstances to which there is no word strong enough to describe, torturous doesn't even come close.

Again, FUCK.

Where the hell is God when
a toddler is seeing his neighbor slice his parents and older siblings with machetes?
thousands of innocent people are running from guns and bombs?
the rich west sits back watching this happen because these countries have nothing to offer?
his people, one who call him Abba, are hiding in the jungle hoping to live another day?
a 4 year girl is forced to watch pornography and being taught how to perform oral sex?
a 9 year old boy is forced to kill his bestest friend in the whole world?
men, women and children are gasping for the last bit of oxygen in the "shower rooms"?

Don't give me any token answers. They aren't good enough and I am sick of them. I went to Bible college, I am sure that I know them all. God cares about each one of them and knows them all by name. He feels there pain. I am not so convinced anymore. Evil exists because people chose to disobey God. Since when is evil more powerful than God? If God is the same God revealed in the old testament, an army of rebel soldiers should be no problem. We can't see the big picture. His thoughts are not our thoughts, his ways not our ways. I am not so sure I like his thoughts or ways right now. "Hmmm I think I will let just sit here and watch people die horrible deaths, but I will be angry and feeling badly for them." Doesn't sound like a good thought to me. And it seems that Christians are taking their cue from God, sitting back and feeling bad about what is happening, but still letting it happen.

So what is it God? Do you not care? Do you not see? Do you not have the power?

Again, FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUCCCCKKKK!

I am so sick of this sweet little Christian girl role that I have been playing, so there it is. I can no longer say that I have never said the F word. I am giving myself permission to just be. To be angry, honest, heart broken, burdened, overwhelmed, whatever being entails. I am not sure if it is right or wrong. It is probably more wrong than right. I could hold it altogether if I wanted to. I didn't grow up in the church culture, but I have seen enough to have learned how to play the part. I bet Hollywood could find some of the best actors inside the walls of a church. I can't just keep accepting the world as it is and say, well God will explain everything in the end.

It doesn't seem like I got that far in the last few years of being little miss christian, repressing what I was feeling, bottling it up and convincing myself that the truth will eventually be revealed. God will explain everything in the end. The world is FUCKED up now. People are hurting now. Evil is winning now. I don't know how much longer I can do nothing. But what can I do? The church girl role isn't cutting it. Western christianity makes me want to puke. But it is all I know.

This is my new experiment. Unrefined honesty. Some may be shocked. Some may be disappointed. Some may judge. I may fail beyond recovery. I may have regrets. I may find what I am looking for.

It may seem that the F bomb flowed easily out of my mind to my fingers and then the keyboard, but I do feel the loss of innocence. I feel uncomfortable. I feel bad. But I think I am more hurt by the fact that I lost my perfect F-free record rather than a feeling the genuine regret of "sin" (if that makes any sense).



Yet I will praise Him at all times.

TENTATIVE SUMMER PLANS

So today I discovered the deadlines for the various opportunities open for me this summer are sooner than expected. For the Mark study I need to know by Friday, yikes! I wasn't planning on making any decisions until at least mid April. Oh well, I guess the pressure is good, I will actually make a decision.

So the tentative plan is to go to the week long study of Mark, May 1-7. I am really excited because a women who has been a mentor to me here and there when I needed someone has offered to pay for the cost of the study, I just have to pay for travel. That cost won't be too bad, because the study is just in Rocky Mountain House. I will probably swing through Calgary, Lethbridge and Med Hat before coming back to Saskatoon for about a month. That will give me some time to visit friends and family in around here. Then I will head to Trinity Western to do the Linguistics and Culture summer program from June 15 - August 15. Then I will be back in Saskatoon and will be packing up my life and heading to either Calgary or Edmonton.

So if you are into praying I would muchly appreciate you throwing a word up on my behalf.

~This is going to put me in a tight spot financially. Not only does the summer course cost about $4000 for tuition, books, room and board, but I will not be working much over the summer. I need the largest bursary possible from TWU ($1500), a job from about May 15-June 14, and a seat sale on plane tickets. There is already a sale from Sask to Abbottsford, but I need one on the way back.

~I need energy, I am not sure how I will do filling my break from school with more school.

~Mostly peace about the decision. I don't have peace, but I am experiencing less anxiety about this decision compared to other options. I'm not sure I will be at peace until things actually happen because I am scared that everything will collapse like it did last summer.