I'm ready... I think

A while ago I became aware of an issue that I need to work through. I may have mentioned it before in another post. I kind of ignored it for a while as I took a break from just about everything in life to focus on exams. It was a great excuse to avoid that which I didn't want to deal with. Well now I have week until my last exam so I have a little bit of time.
(Not much time though, since I am going to get tooled on this exam and need to study every little bit that I can. I studied for 30-ish hours for the midterm and got a blessed 62%. But my getting lit up in my graduating year is a story for another day.)

The issue is mercy. I think I got the justice part down, well maybe not quite, but more so than mercy. Part of me would like to beat the the disgusting pigs who rape these little girls into a pulp so fine not even their DNA is intact. Now I don't think I could actually hurt anyone since I am the type of person who picks up a spider and takes it back outside. But you know what I mean, this really pisses me off!

But I wasn't saved to condemn others, although that would be a lot easier. It is hard to believe, but God loves these agents of violence and corruption. I wonder how He could. I mean, of course He loves me, what's not to love? (don't answer) How can a Father love someone who is destroying one of his precious children. I just don't understand.

And what is the right reaction? I know what is not the right reaction, beating to a pulp. How does justice and mercy go together? Surely these men must still be punished, they have to suffer some consequence, jail or something? They can't just get away with this.

I am scared to approach God. I don't know if I want the answer, I already know I probably won't like it. And once He tells me I'll have to buy into it. What scares me even more is, what if this turns out to be my Nineveh? Good luck finding a whale to swallow me whole in the middle of Saskatchewan.

This has growing pains written all over it. It will probably be about as pleasant as waxing your armpits.

In the small stuff

While God has not answered what I consider to be my "big" prayer request, which is what this blog has been about, he has been answering the "small" prayer requests. I categorized these things based on the amount of time and energy I have spent praying/worrying/struggling.

He has remained seemingly silent, although things might be going somewhere now, about what I am supposed to do about this conviction regarding human trafficking a exploitation.

But...

He has taken care of the "small" things, which are also the immediate concerns I have with daily life.

I started out this school year, a little short of money to cover the 8months I am in class, only a couple hundred dollars, which I knew I would be able to take care of with part time work over the semester. Well, things came up that were beyond my control, and that I had/wanted to pay for. People who had committed to sponsoring a young girl in the Philippines backed out, plus hidden costs the college didn't tell us about, ended up costing me more than double what I expected/agreed to pay. I couldn't let this girl drop out of college after one semester, she was so excited to go, and she is the first person from he village to go, her education will benefit her whole village. I wanted so much for her to go to college, so I gave the extra money. I also put money into other volunteer/ministry things that I am involved in, and decided to take and extra class to finish my Bible college degree along with my microbiology degree. Upon re-evaluating my financial situation in November I discovered I was a little over $1000 dollars short, that was taking into account the extra money I earned working. Oops! I was okay though, because I still had enough money to live until February and I knew God would provide for me. And he did. I just got a scholarship for $1500 just for being poor. More than enough to cover my needs with extra to go to Breakforth in Edmonton and a few other extras. Just getting the application in was a miracle. Paper work from Canada Student loans that last time took a couple months to get took less than 3 weeks!

Today I just received a card from the doctor saying I have an appointment to get ear tubes put in Dec. 17th. Normally it takes about 6 weeks to get an appointment, but this is only two weeks away at a perfect time between my exams! To make a long story short, I had an ear infection that wrecked my ear and left me with a significant negative pressure balance in my ear. Basically I feel like I am on a plane all the time. My ear pops and hurts so bad when I yawn, cough, sneeze or chew that it sometimes brings tears to my eyes. So I was really scared about getting on an actually plane for Christmas break. It would be double whammy having a negative pressure balance in my ear and ascending into a lower pressure atmosphere. I had postponed making the call because I was scared to get the tubes, until I realized the pending doom. So I called Monday, and was told to expect an appointment sometime in mid January. That wasn't going to help. So I prayed, like a little wussy kid, because I was scared of the pain that I was going to experience flying, and tada! God came to my rescue. It would be even cooler if I got to the appointment and the doc was like "Everything looks normal, you don't need tubes," but I can deal with getting the tubes I think.

What? You mean I don't get everything I want when I want it?

Shocking revelation, I know.

It's been a little over a month now, and I think that I have made some good progress.

I don't think that I want the wrong things, but obviously the wrong time. To expect God to magically give me all the skills that I need to do everything I want in missions is a little off the mark. Especially since I have the resources to gain the necessary skills. Plus that would make things too easy. There is a lot that I would miss if I skipped the learning process (at least that's what I keep telling myself).

I read a quote not too long ago that changed the way that I look at things.

“Those who seek to put an end to sexual exploitation must be as committed as those who are promoting it.”

That sentence has made the last month make more sense to me. It has only been a month and I feel like my level of commitment has been tested, with all the closed doors, wasted hours, and crying. It has made me ask a lot of questions.

Am I really willing to do whatever it takes?

Am I willing to start small, taking little baby steps towards my goal (not sure exactlt what that is yet)?

Am I willing to spend however long it takes to educate myself on the issues, get what ever skills God wants me have, and go where He wants me to go, even if it means not getting into the mission for years from now?

How determined am I?

Is there anything that will make me give up?

I would still love it if God just said go, but he hasn't, and I don't think He will. I still think waiting sucks,but I understand it has a purpose, and that I am not in control. I still scream into my pillow sometimes. And I still wish I could just Rambo the issue.

For right now I have settled for a few specific and attainable goals to occupy myself until God shows me the next step. I want to know as much as I can about the logistics of trafficking. I want to be well aware of the laws in the major countries where this is happening, and what other countries are doing to stop it. I also want to get to know as many people affected by this as possible, by reading their stories and testimonials.

At the moment I have two potential plans for after I graduate this year, both obviously up to God, or neither if he decides on something else.

Option 1: In Calgary there is a group called Servants Anonymous. They have various programs for young women, one of which is a live in volunteer. Basically just a roommate who offers stability and love for a victim of sexual exploitation/abuse. You can check out there website, http://www.servantsanon.com. That would be a minimum one year commitment.

This is what I am leaning towards unless God gives me some radical direction elsewhere.
That being said, option two would be one of those radical things.

Option 2: If God choses for me to be accepted into medical school that is where I will likely go in September. I really am not concerned about what "career" I have, I would be okay with nursing or somethings else. But, the med school application has been a miracle so far, (passing the entrance exam with little/no studying, getting a reference letter mailed from Saskatoon to Edmonton and processed in two days, one of which was a holiday, just in time for the deadline) so I would assume if I got accepted it would be God's intention that I go. Not keen on another minimum 4 years of school, and $100,000 in loans, but whatever.

I would appreciate your prayers as I try to discern what God will is. I have made contact with Servant Anonymous and am hoping to go to Calgary during spring break to meet with coordinator.

P. aeruginosa, burn, ethidium bromide, waiter and other awkward/stupid moments

As you know, over the last month I have not been writing about my usual topics, that is, awkward, embarassing or stupid moments. That does not mean they have not happened. I am still Chantal, and thus plagued with awkwardness and "blondness". So for those of you who asked for stories or are concerned that I am not myself, here is some point form from the last week and a bit.

The following all happened in one day.
- cut myself while making lunch
- in microbiology lab I knocked the lid off a plate of P. aeruginosa and stuck my hand right into the little buggers. This was alarming as this bacteria was a specimen from a gross dirty armpit lesion. I received the necessary first aid, but was not convinced it was sufficient so I washed my hand in a bleach solution (not recommended).
- making dinner. pulled pan out of oven and placed on stove. reach into cupboard above stove. burn belly. uncomfortable for days afterward as it was right where my pant line was. placed bandaid on burn. get allergic reaction to adhesive. awesome.

other moments...
- in class writing notes, girl beside me knocks my mug onto my lap, to tired to respond quickly, watch area of pants get wet, look like i peed myself, walk outside in -35C, freeze
-in micro lab, forget to put my gloves back on, reach into electrophoresis machine to retrieve agarose blot, pick up gel, remember gel contains ethidium bromide (a known mutagen), pray I don't get cancer
- out for dinner meeting at nice restaurant, debating whether it is better for kids to know anatomical terms or words like weewee, or peepee. waiter walks towards us as I say "penis", waiter keeps walking (with strange look on his face)

Aaaaaaaah!

Did you here that?

That would be the sound of me screaming into my pillow because I am so flippin' frustrated. Grrrr! I have pretty much run out of words and resort to simply screaming at God. Part of me feels really stupid because I am close to people who have pretty much been through hell on earth, and are just so happy, go-lucky. Here I am with a little emotional distress and I am freaking out. It's not like people are trying to kill me like they were David when he wrote the some of the Psalms.

One of the hardest things right now is that I don't feel like praying anymore. I feel like I have said all there is to say. I don't know what else to say, and I am sick of not getting an answer. Please don't give me any of the cliché answers. I already know them and they aren't really helping at the moment.

Do think if I went on hunger strike against God that would work?

Or maybe I will just hope on a plain to Thailand and do missions work without him. Yup that would be good, wouldn't? At least I would be doing something.

I would like to say that I am prepared to do whatever it is God wants me to, but that isn't really the case since I hate the fact that I am stuck here doing essentially nothing. I would do anything God asked me too except for the nothing that I am doing right now.

I don't want to come out of this like the Pharisees did the 400 silent years. Missing the boat and not getting the point when He was standing right in front of them. I don't want to go stale and have my faith become nothing more than a set of rules that I follow. Be nice to people, don't swear, don't chase after money, yadda yadda yadda. That's kind of what it is feeling like right now.

I wonder though...
Do I have to wait for God to tell me to go do something? I mean, He's already said once, in fact he's said it a lot. Look after widows, and orphans, feed the hungry, give drink to the thirsty, all sorts of stuff throughout the Old and New Testament. Do I really need to sit here and wait for Him to say something specifically to me? Can I just hop on a plane and trust that He will be with me?

But there is more that I am missing. I don't just want a God who tells me what to do. I want to know my Creator. I feel so weird now, estranged from the one who knit me in my mothers womb.

Enough frustrated ramblings for one night... zzzzz