Now what?

I have been so blessed to have people praying for me. The last little while I have found myself so tired that I almost always fall asleep when I stop to pray no matter what time of day. I really believe that the prayers of my friends and family have sustained me and supported me, especially as I struggle to figure out what is going on. Thank you so much for praying for me!!!

As for this mission of mine, well, I am falling flat. I'm running out of ideas, and sadly, desire. My heart is no less broken for the girls who will be sold tonight, but discouragement seems to be taking the place of determination. What is the cut off point? How many doors have to slam in your face before you give up? This is almost getting ridiculous.

I feel like God has shut, locked, chained and double bolted the door and is on the other side playing really loud music and ignoring the knocking. I do realize this is extreme, it is probably more likey that He is standing at another, open door waiting for me to find Him. But I am without a compass or a sense of direction.

I have emailed and phoned just about every group and organization that I have found. Some haven't replied, most only accept professional volunteers (doctors, lawyers, accountants, etc). I have been blessed with a few friends who have given me "leads", local and international organizations, missionaries who are working in the field. Every time I am excited, thinking this might be it, but end up disappointed and back at the beginning. An international organization, which had a training program on rehabilitation, had its application deadline a week before I found it. One local organization has put a hold on its efforts for lack of funding, staff and general interest. I was given the email address of a missionary working overseas, but she just went on maternity leave.

Now what? Did I miss my chance back, during one of my previous episodes like this? I am fighting to hang on to this passion, but am losing my grip. What if I got things all wrong, maybe I am supposed to be doing something completely different. God must have something specific for me after I graduate in May if He is working so hard to close doors. But what? I realize that God is not bound by time, but does he not realize that I am? And that earth things have deadlines?

???

So I haven't blogged much the last week. That is because I haven't gotten anywhere. I am still a sitting duck. I went through this in August, was in contact with a few organizations and applied to volunteer then for, whatever reason, communication stopped, no one replied to my emails. I kind of gave up, assuming that God was saying no. I prayed about it, and as with everything else the last few months, have gotten no answers. Not a "yes", "no", "wait", nothing. I didn't want to keep pushing it if it was a no.

But there has to be more. I believe that our passions and deep desires of our hearts are from God. If it was no, then why is God weighing me down with this. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe it is not from God. If it was, then wouldn't he provide an outlet, some way that I could act on this desire.

Maybe I should stop wasting my time, and God's, if this is not what he wants for me. But I don't want to give up. I don't want to forget about it, I can't. But how many times have a I tried and gotten no where?

What about persistence? How do we know when to keep pushing and when to step away. I don't want to give up, so I won't, at least not yet. I have applied to volunteer overseas, and am looking into an organization within Saskatoon that deals with sexual exploitation of children. But I don't want to annoy God into giving me what I want.

Excuse me, I need to go scream into my pillow.

Lighten up

Either the events of the last 24 hours were completely coincidental or God decided that I was taking life to seriously and needed some laughs because it has been an awkward/funny day. I guess I can't stay serious for extended periods of time.

I am going to my aunts house for the long weekend, so I thought I would bring a bottle of wine as a "thank you for letting me stay here and eat your food" gift. I am absolutely clueless when it comes to anything alcoholic so I asked my mom earlier in the week what I should get. The only thing that I could remember at the store was something about Australian and cat pee. I wondered around the store looking like a lost duck. One of the employees, seeing me looking at the merchandise as if it was completely foreign to me, came over to help.
"Do you have any cat pee?" I asked.
He looked at me kind of funny and I apologized for my ignorance. After a few seconds he showed me some wine called "cat pee on a gooseberry bush". Gooseberry bush didn't ring a bell, I thought the cat peed on something else and this was from New Zealand, but I really had no idea what to get. Hopefully it's good.

Today I accidentally hugged my instructor. It was weird, but she was female, so it definitely could have been worse. For me hugging is the reaction I have to seeing someone I haven't seen for a while, even if I am not close to them. Well I was walking through the CUPE (university support staff) strike rally, like swimming up stream, and I saw her and she said something and I just went in for the hug. She didn't know quite what to do I don't think. I really don't know her well at all, she is the lab instructor so I see her maybe once a week (pre-strike)...
So I just took a spill because my chair broke, good thing I am a home
Anyway, so yeah, I hugged my instructor and didn't realize the weirdness of the situation until a few minutes after. Oops!

Then as I was walking across the bridge to the hospital I was the victim of a drive by sandwiching. Yes, someone threw a half eaten sandwich at me for no reason. I was just walking, minding my own business when I took a hit from behind and a flimsy cheese sandwich dropped to the ground. What the heck? Who does that?

Then on the nearly empty bus ride home I had the pleasure of having a 70 or 80 year old man sit next to me. He could have sat in any empty seat, but he chose to sit next to me and talk to me the whole way home. I don't mind conversation with strangers, I often talk to strangers on the bus, but this wasn't really conversation so much as it was him making crazy statements and me smiling and nodding. He talked about herds of geese, going to Jim Hortons for coffee, something about Diefenbaker and Trudeau and farm irrigation, terrorism, and a bunch of really terrible jokes that made me laugh, not because they were funny but because the whole time I was thinking "why me?". It got a little out of hand though when he put his hand on my shoulder and asked,
"What are you thinking right now?"
I didn't know what to say, what I was thinking was "Get me the hell off this bus, I am so uncomfortable." Luckily I was close enough to where I lived to get off and walk a bit.

Someday

Sometimes I feel just like
The butterfly inside the jar
I beat my wings with all my might
And though I try, I never get that far
Always up against invisible walls...

Until then I'll trust to fate
And use the time to make my wings stronger
As I press them against the walls of this place
And pray that it won't be much longer
Lord don't let these wings forget how to fly

--Someday--
Jason Gray

Moving forward

I think I have made some progress over the last few days. While I would still like to tear into the brothels Rambo style, and save the girls, God is showing me that is probably not the best thing, for several reasons. At least not the best thing for me.

The Rambo idea would be more a reaction out of anger. Once I got started, there would probably be no end. There is no way that I would be able to save every girl, so the anger would never stop and I would have to keep fighting. I would never feel like I had done anything as long as there were still girls being defiled. And there still wouldn't be any laws protecting future generations.

More importantly, so I Rambo everything and save these girls, then what? They might be free from the brothel but they are not free from the pain and fear. They have physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual wounds and voids. They still have no life, no hope. They don't know how to be children, how to trust and love or be loved.

I found an organization who might be willing to take volunteers. Well actually it is a coalition of about 20 organizations including Justice For Children, World Hope, Stop the Traffik and others. I sent a resume of sorts, and faith statement, yadda yadda, today. I am hoping to go this summer, I don't know for how long, and I don't really care what I do I just want to do something. I've also found a few organizations which offer training courses on helping victims that I am looking into.