YES or NO?

So today is the day that I got the email from the U of A. I have kind of been expecting to be accepted, things have been going so well up until this point. At the same time though, I was willing to accept a "no." While I would love to go to medical school, the main thing is to get a skill that would be most effective in missions/international development.

Here is what the email said, drum roll please...

"I am unable to advise you of a final decision on your medicine application at this time."

WTF? What does that mean? Have they not finished going through the process? Am I on a waiting list? Is that a nice way of saying no?

I have been praying crazy hard that today God will give me the direction that I needed to take the next step forward today. He answered with a nice heaping helping of confusion. Thanks God, but I've had my fill of uncertainty and waiting. I am quite pissed off right now. I've talked to a few people in general terms about God not answering prayers, and the typical response is, "maybe God is saying no." I agree that is sometimes the case but I did not ask God a yes or no question.

So now I can't plan anything for the future, I am stuck in the same damn uncomfortable place of waiting. I feel like God is pulling of a band-aid real slowly so it hurts real bad instead of ripping it off in one quick pull. It would have been better if it was a no because then I could be applying for real full time jobs. I think that is the angle that I am going to take, and start moving on with my life. I have to, I have bills to pay, I can't just keep sitting around.

48 HOURS

I have been praying really hard, like nearly having an aneurysm kind of hard, that I will have some sense of direction for the immediate future on Thursday. I have decided that if God does not grant me any direction then I will just make some decisions and go on. At the moment I have nothing certain in my life, the last moment of certainty ended with my doctors appointment this morning. I have nothing left planned or secured for the coming days.

Everything seems to be hinging on whether or not I go to medical school. Even the summer. If I am not going to school then I could be looking for a full time job. All my attempts at summer jobs have failed, which is quite a contrast to last summer. Last summer I only applied for a few jobs and I got 2 within a couple of weeks. I have applied to I am sure almost 30 jobs in the last month and a bit this year and have got nothing. Tomorrow will be my last day of applying to jobs in Saskatoon and if I don't get anything then I will take that to mean that I am not supposed to be here for the summer.

If not Saskatoon, then what? I am still thinking of going to the summer linguistics/cross-cultural program in North Dakota (or BC), even though the finances are not there. Another option is just going back to Grande Prairie for the summer. Getting a job there should be no problem, and no matter what I do I will likely make more money than I will in Saskatoon.

I don't really want to leave Saskatoon, I feel like I have a lot invested here and that I still have some "unfinished business." I have a lot of friends that I want to see, and Saskatoon is a pretty central location that would allow me to travel to see them. I also want to go to bartending school (maybe even flair bartending), get a pilot license and try hitch-hiking, which I think would be safer in the prairies, with all the friendly farmers around.

So within the next 48 hours, I am praying and believing that God will guide me. I will hopefully have some answers to report Thursday night.

REFLECTIONS FROM MARKWEST

I just got back from a week long Scripture study at a beautiful camp. The location was great, I didn't realize how much I missed trees. The people were great too, I didn't think studying the book of Mark could be so hilarious. Before I left for the retreat, I really had not wanted to go at all. I was tired from exams and just wanted to rest. I told God that since he was dragging me out there he better speak something big from the book of Mark.

He didn't.

He wasn't completely silent though. He did speak to me through the book of Isaiah, chapter 61;

"The Spirit of the Soverign LORD is on me,
because the LORD has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,"


I try to be careful about superimposing Old Testament Scriptures onto my own life because they were written for a particular people at a particular time in a particular place, but I really felt like God was saying this to me. I would bring hope and healing and freedom. It really confirmed my passion and dream for Cambodia, and every country experiencing similar circumstances. If only God would tell me when and how.

On my way home I had an interview with an organization in Calgary that works with ex prostitutes and women who have been exploited/abused. I had been leaning towards going in that direction instead of medicine the week prior so I had been expecting the interview to go really well. It wasn't bad, I got the position if I want it, but something just didn't feel right. I had prayed for some sort of affirmation or a sense of "this is where I need to be" but I didn't get that. Something about the whole thing just wasn't sitting right. I don't know if it was just because the organization was not exactly how I had pictured it or if it was God trying to tell me that it was not the right step.

On Thursday I will know if I get into medical school. I am praying that when the time comes I will know what to do. I feel stuck between two very strong desires, one for medicine and one for Cambodia. I don't know which direction to go.

There is a wonderful woman at church who I get to spend a lot of time with every Sunday. I think there is a lot of people who could learn a lot from her if they spent the time to get to know her.

Our pastor is doing a sermon series on 2 Corinthians. Today we looked at 1:3-7.

Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows. If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation; if we are comforted, it is for your comfort, which produces in you patient endurance of the same sufferings we suffer. And our hope for you is firm, because we know that just as you share in our sufferings, so also you share in our comfort.

As with most sermons there were essentially three main points:
1) Comfort doesn't come from chocolate, new shoes, alcohol etc., but God.
2) Life is not always going to be all cotton candy and rainbows, especially if you follow Christ.
3) There is a purpose in suffering, to comfort others.

The pastor talked about how we often expect life to be easy and we try to avoid any difficulties. When difficulties arise we blame God and get angry that we have to endure such things. For many, that is the only time God is acknowledged.

This woman is one of the few who I would classify as having the right to be angry with God. She is disabled, she has difficulty talking and because of this can be very cut off from people and people often just nod and smile when she talks. She is in a wheel chair, suffers from a great deal of pain and has had to have many surgeries.

As we were walking out of the sanctuary she says to me,

"Why do people get mad at God? Why do they get angry at him, he's not mean, he's the God of comfort and peace."

I didn't know what to say, I knew the answer though, because we are selfish and self-serving. We are all just a bunch of jerks.

I LOVE GETTING PICTURES TAKEN

So a couple of weeks ago I had to get grad pictures done. I didn't really want any. I am not a big fan of the forced smile and awkward poses, but my parents wanted them so I went. Here is a sample of the "best" ones.

I made some general observations about myself and my photogenicity. First of all, I didn't realize my nose was that big. Oh well. My left eye also does this squinty thing when the flash goes off, so I have to concentrate really hard to keep both eyes equally open. This reduces my ability to look natural. I also had a shine problem, witch she did not


This one took the longest and made me the most annoyed. I was told to look of into the distance and contemplate the journey that I had been on up until this point.

Lady, if you knew me, you would know that my journey is not one to contemplate, but to laugh at. I can't do this without a big smile on my face. I can't look pensive, when I am am thinking it looks more painful then intellectual/intelligent.



In this one she wanted me to smile with my lips closed. I can't do it, my teeth are to big.

This one took several takes, and this was the best of them.

I don't know exactly what this looks like, but definitely not natural, maybe constipated?





This one actually isn't a bad picture. I look alright.

It was, however, pretty funny trying to get into this pose. She was very careful about the position of my hand and had to make several adjustments because she didn't want my hand to take over the picture.

i.e. you have bear paws for hands.





My friend had a lovely description of this one...

"It looks like you are listening to someone talk and smell something stinky but are trying to smile and ignore it."






Don't worry though, there were some that were alright.