ELDERLY SAY THE DARNDEST THINGS

So I haven't posted for a while because I forgot I had a blog. Here are a few random things that have brought sunshine into my life.

Have I told you I love my job? Well I do, it's so great! For those of you who don't know, I am working at an elderly care home. Almost everyday I am brought to tears from laughing so hard. I love old people because they say exactly what they think and they don't care who hears it. Here is a couple of gems from my time working with 80+ year olds.

1. Me: Hi Mary! How are you today?
Mary(97years old): I can't see, I have no teeth and I wear a diaper, guess.
2. When being served shepherd's pie for dinner: Who sh** under my mashed potatoes?
3. my 95year old boyfriend (my first day): Holy he** a white girl. I didn't know they hired white people. For a while I thought I had been shipped to Taiwan or something.

I could probably write a novel of all things they have said. Oh by the way anyone know what a ukranian bra is? I was quite startled when my boyfriend told me to take off my ukranian bra. I was later told that it is simply when you have your arms crossed over your chest. That was his way of telling me not to look so bored and grumpy.

So I think the guy at the dollar store was hitting on me the other day. I went in to pick up a few things then was in line at the counter. The cashier kept looking at me while I was in line to the point where I was quite uncomfortable. He put my stuff through and then I paid. When he went to give me back my change he grabbed my hand and held it while he was putting the change in it. I left in a hurry and burst out laughing in the middle of the mall. I think people around me thought I was crazy.

STUPID AND INCOMPETENT

As a student in the biological sciences I have had hammered into my head Darwin's theories. Especially the one about survival of the fittest. However, my own experiences are bringing some doubt about the truth of this theory. I think that you will agree that a lot of stupid things happen to me and that perhaps if I was in the wild I would not survive. The latest incident, although mild, is just another in a series that is making me think that I will one day be immortalized, my story will be told in the great book known as the Darwin Awards.
Today I got stuck to a mixing bowl. It was one of those metal ones. Around the rim of the bowl the edges are rolled under. While I was washing dishes the nails of two of my fingers got stuck under the rim of the bowl. I couldn't get them out I tried pulling and wiggling them, but they were stuck. I was stuck for quite some time, it was like the Chinese finger trap for domestics. I could not get out. I sat down and laughed at myself for a few minutes wishing you were here Kim to share the moment with me (It was sooo good to hear your voice this morning). I walked around my apartment going about my business for a little while with a bowl stuck to my hand. I finally had to pull so hard that I lost some chunks of fingernails.

Now for the incompetent part. So I was babysitting for some friends tonight. I had to pick the kids up after school. Now I usually don't have kids in my car so when it comes to safety the extent of my thinking is "make sure they are wearing their seat belts". It's a good thing these kids are more aware of child safety then I am. The young buckaroo, 9 years old I think, had the smarts to inquire as to whether there was air bags. I have actually never even thought about it, I don't think there is, but I said yes just in case. So the kiddies hopped in the back seat. I had totally forgotten that kids under twelve are not supposed to ride shotgun if there is airbags. Sorry Dan and Char! I feel like such a dufus.
The rest of the night went pretty well. I had to ask the little girl how her mom's pizza pan works, but other than that it was good. We played school, I haven't had a spelling test in about 10 years. Then we played a combo of hide and seek and tag. After about three rounds I was huffin' and puffin'. I really need to get in shape. Then I got worked in animalopoly. Now I am exhausted so I will say goodnight.

So I started my new summer job about two weeks ago. I work at an intermediate care home. I am basically babysitting the elderly. I do cleaning and baking and sometimes help with dressing and bathing. I really love my job, old people really crack me up.

So far I have put a woman’s depends on backwards, washed a man’s hair with lotion and sprayed myself in the face with the shower hose.

We also have a couple of 90 year old fornicators. I have been lucky and have not been the one to catch them.

My favourite thing is the 95 year old boyfriend I have acquired. He always picks on me and wants to sit near me. He is an old farmer so he is pretty funny. The best part is that he is knitting me a dish cloth.

STATS WORTH SHARING

I am not a big fan of statistics. They are often used to manipulate people and rarely give all the information. Here are some stats that I feel are worth spreading around. They are from the book True Grit, it's distributed by Operation Mobilization. While it is geared more for women, sharing stories of female missionaries, I think it is good for everyone to have a look at because it shares alot about injustices in our world that are committed against women and children. You can get a free copy from George Verwer's website here.

- 9o% of women in developed countries receive post natal care, only 5% in developing countries
- maternal death rate: Canada 1 in 7300; Africa 1 in 12
- 200,000 Nepali women and girls are kidnapped or sold by destitute parents into India's brothels (this doesn't count the girls sold to other countries)
- only 44 countries have laws to protect women from domestic violence, not all enforce the laws
-in many countries beating women and children is considered a family matter and the police and courts do not get involved
- the Swaziland word for wife means "one who dies without speaking of what she has endured"
- in Pakistan women who report rape are more likely to be charged with adultery than see their attacker charged. Rape conviction requires four adult male Muslim witnesses and physical evidence of struggle on the woman's body
- Yemen and Mali have over 90% illiteracy rates in women
- 6000 girls a day are at risk of suffering female circumcision
- typical age for girls to undergo female genital mutilation is 4-8 years, the majority of the time no anesthetic or pain killers are provided
- often any sharp object available is used, broken glass, tin lid, dirty razor blade
- serious complications can occur in adulthood when women marry and during childbirth
- in countries that abduct children for the army, girls are usually used as sex slaves for the soldiers, sent into battle at the front lines to take the worst of the fighting or used as mine detectors
- almost 7000 children die from dehydration caused by diarrhea, most of which is caused by unclean water
- 5000 women are killed each year by husbands or relatives, they call these "honour killings", excuses for murder include seeing a female relative dating, talking to a male, or even poor cooking
- it is common in Muslim countries for girls 10-15 years old to be "married" to the Qur'an, this saves the family money on the wedding dowry but it costs the girls their sanity as they are then locked away and isolated from human contact
- in Calgary more than 400 children, some as young as 11 are working for pimps

THE GOOD, THE BAD, THE UGLY

Now that school is over I have the chance to focus more on other parts of my life. Over the past couple of weeks I have learned a lot about myself and the world in general. Some good things and some not so good things.

I have a very sensitive smoke detector in my apartment. It goes off several times a week while I am cooking. Recently I was house sitting for friends and found that their smoke detector was also sensitive, as it went off a few times too over the course of my stay at there house. After some careful reflection I learned that I am not a good cook.

This week I embarked on a journey to eat the recommended amount of the foods listed in the Canadian food guide. This new goal came about when I realized I had gone a few weeks having not had any fruits or vegetables. Don't worry. I have fought off scurvy with Kool-Aid which contains 100% of the recommended amount of Vitamin C. Now the meat and milk, and often the grain part was not hard for me. Those are my favourite groups. But the fruits and veggies were never a priority. However, I am proud to say that after 6 days I have, for probably the first time in my life, ate all the recommended servings on the food guide. That's 8 servings of fruits and veggies, 2 servings of milk, 7 servings of grains and 3 servings of meat (well it's only supposed to be 2 meat but whatever). The first couple of days I found myself in a state similar to the Simpsons when Lisa feeds her family vegetables. I think my body went through an initial period of shock, where I was not feeling my best. But I think my body is adjusting because I am feeling much better now. I still have some candy and cookies occasionally, but the important thing is that I eat fruit and veggeies now. I learned that you can still have a full, happy life even if you don't eat all the candy you want.

Now I am sleepy, goodnight.

To be continued...